Saturday, January 14, 2012

- Jim

Friday, January 13, 2012 shipping delays

When I was growing up, I had a group of friends.  (Amazing, isn't it?)  Anyway, being high school students and college students, we usually didn't have a lot of money.  During the holidays, we would make promises to each other not to buy each other gifts, or some years when we were feeling particularly saucy, would put spending limits on such gifts - $10.00 or so.

There was always one person that made the promise and bought everyone presents.  We would get mad, they would protest that we didn't have to buy THEM presents, but there was an obligation.  We would have to spend the money.

Well, I'm not friends with any of those people anymore.  Time and lives have diverged and blah blah blah.  I figured I was over that nonsense.  Though I have a little more money now, I pay bills and help out among family.  So, we make the same deal with family members.  And again, despite all the promises, there is one person that goes out and buys gifts anyway.  "You don't have to buy ME anything!"  Yeah right. 

So there I am, on December 23rd or whatever, shopping on for a present that I know will not get here in time.  I feel somewhat guilty about it, but if they'd followed the rules, it wouldn't have happened.  But, being, I figured they'd ship it sooner or later, even if I was cheap and chose the Super-Saver shipping.  Ah me and my silly beliefs!

It got here yesterday.  But that's not all. Yup, two weeks before they even shipped it out, much less delivery time.  I figured what the heck, it's the holidays, they're busy and swamped. But... I made another order on January 8th, because I needed some computer supplies.  Again, I chose Super-Saver shipping, and again... they just send me a note today saying they were shipping it.  Note - it hasn't left their warehouse, they just arranged for it to be shipped.  Add another day or so for the post office to pick it up.  That's 5 days before it left their warehouse. 

So the question is, are they slowing down because they're that much busier now, or are they slowing down because they want me to convert to their secret tax in the program Amazon Prime for $79 a year?  I've checked the news and can't find anything about it, but it does seem somewhat suspicious. Oh yeah, and that's not the complete order - they're still waiting for part of it.

I dunno.

- Jim

Thursday, January 12, 2012

So what did the last post mean?  Well, over the past couple months, I've turned down more than one opportunity in more than one area.  On the surface, these opportunities might have been pretty good deals.  Unfortunately, the reality is that I would not have been able to make the best of any of them and worst is something that I can all too easily contemplate.  The problem is that in each of these opportunities, there would be a cost to failure and those costs would not have been borne entirely by me.

So, it seems clear that I need to move on.  Well, yeah.  And insane people need to be normal and homeless people need to get homes.  It's easier said than done.  I've noticed that people with the simplest solutions for other people's problems are often the ones with the most messed up lives themselves.  "Well, it's different for me, Jim.", is something I've heard far too many times.  If your advice is so easy for me to follow, then perhaps you should prove it by following it yourself.

But this isn't an attack on others either.  In my own glacially slow way, I am moving through these issues.  It's just a more complicated and painful process than I could have ever imagined.   I admit that I try to ignore it from time to time, but it's always there, below the surface, always bubbling up. 

- Jim
How do I end up making personal posts like this in public?  I don't know.  I would guess it stems from a desire to explain myself and the reasons for my actions.  I am aware of many of my faults.  Some, I have taken steps to alleviate or fix entirely.  Some are second nature to me and any attempt to ameliorate their effects would accomplish no more than to fool myself and others for a short while.

The truth of the matter is that my life did change in 2006.  More than I realized, more than I know now.  Those changes were sudden, profound, and sometimes mysterious - especially to me.  Not all of their effects manifested themselves at once, and not all of the beliefs that I could rise above these matters have proved realistic or even possible.  As I wrote to someone a couple days ago, I am a broken person. 

That sounds more dramatic than the reality is, but the effect is still the same.  2006, followed by 2007, was a tremendous year.  In 2005, I was baptized Lutheran in preparation for getting married to someone I loved.  By 2006, that dream was over and I was betrayed.  Blah blah blah.  My Brother died.  I injured my knee - permanently.  I lost my best friend.  I wandered and muddled through the year in such a haze that the full effects of the events that happened were lost to me. 

2007 was hardly better.  I continued to recover from my knee injury and the resulting surgery which may have been even worse for it.  My Mom died.  I lost my job.  My family fell apart and I went with it.  2007 was a dark time indeed and we're still paying the price for those days.  Again, I muddled through much of it, this time with pain medicine.  No, the need was real, but the effect was more far-reaching than just my knee.  In addition to the normal guilt I feel about things, I also regret that I didn't feel more than I did.  I did feel more than I knew, clouded by that medicine, but I lacked the ability to analyze and eventually deal with it.

Since then, I've wandered in my thoughts.  I am unable to move on.  I am unable to continue.  I am unable to go back and fix what I've done or didn't do.  Indeed, if somehow the impossible happened and I could go back in time and change those events, I'm not even sure many of the things I did were wrong.  They're just hard to live with.

This isn't really news.  To the long-time readers of this blog, all of this information was readily available until I took it down.  However dimly it may be though, I am aware of how who I've become affects some others and how it would affect even more still if circumstances were different.   As I said, I may not be able to rise above my faults, I am aware that I have them.  To impose them on others, however well-intentioned, would be to commit an even more grievous sin.

To some extent, I recognize that this post will fail.  A rejection, however it may be worded and however well it may be intended, is still a rejection.  Rejections hurt.  I wish I could avoid that, but I must merely choose the lesser of two evils.  I've tried to avoid reality at other times in my past, and the blow up that inevitably follows is even worse.

I'm sorry,

- Jim