This isn't much of an update, I've been spending most of my time reading, with a few movies and shows thrown in to keep the DVR from exploding. However, that's not why I'm posting.
Since the episode with my Sister, there have been no further episodes like it. That's the good news. The bad news is that there have been several episodes where she's gotten dizzy spells, including a couple where she experienced odd smells and feelings. She is probably being too dramatic, but under the circumstances, it's hard to see how she might avoid that. She's probably not handling it too well, but I'm sure I would handle it much worse.
They cancelled her EEG because of an illness at the lab where it was supposed to take place. She'll have another one in a week or so where she may find out more about what's going on.
Anyway, as I said, it's not much of an update, but I didn't want an absence of information to be construed as something more than it is. Or isn't.
- Jim
Monday, January 30, 2012
I usually don't post things like this. However, it concerns me that they seem to squelch any type of negative press about themselves. I don't like that. I'm not anti-business, heck I even vote Republican most of the time. Still, it's places like these that give capitalism a bad name.
First, the news:
I found this on the web and I figured it'd be good press:
Now for the next article:
(Stolen from The Janesville Gazette without permission or their knowledge. If pressed, I will quote fair-use on the whole thing)
http://gazettextra.com/news/2012/jan/28/stoughton-trailers-planning-hire-125-workers/
Okay, here's my experience with the company. I know people who have had better experiences, and I also know that I haven't had the worst experience.
First, the news:
I found this on the web and I figured it'd be good press:
Now for the next article:
(Stolen from The Janesville Gazette without permission or their knowledge. If pressed, I will quote fair-use on the whole thing)
http://gazettextra.com/news/2012/jan/28/stoughton-trailers-planning-hire-125-workers/
Stoughton Trailers planning to hire 125 workers
JANESVILLE — Stoughton Trailers says it plans to hire about 125 production workers in coming months. The hires will be spread among the company’s three plants in Brodhead, Evansville and Stoughton, a spokesman said.
The company is looking mostly for assembly workers but it also needs welders and industrial painters, said company spokesman Keith Wise.
Workers from the Evansville plant who had been working in Brodhead and Stoughton are expected to return to Evansville in about three weeks, said company President Bob Wahlin.
The increase would bring the company’s total employment to about 925 by June, officials said. That’s after adding about 300 workers in 2011.
Stoughton Trailers employment peaked at around 1,600 six years ago but dropped to 250 in 2009.
Stoughton’s main product is the dry van, which is the box-and-chassis combination that makes up those box-shaped semitrailers commonly seen on the highway, Wise said.
Wahlin was quoted as saying shipping has increased, “and a lot of trucking companies are preparing for better economic times.”
Wise said it’s impossible to tell whether the increase in orders might also be due to the fact that shippers who have been keeping their old trailers longer are now being forced to replace them.
Wise said Stoughton Trailers has been responding to more requests for prices recently.
“Historically, what this tells us, when people are buying, is that their freight is increasing,” he said, but more recently, that has not always been the case.
“It’s kind of a crazy industry—a lot of ups and downs,” Wise said.
Stoughton Trailers is generally classified as the fifth-largest producer in the country, Wise said.
Okay, here's my experience with the company. I know people who have had better experiences, and I also know that I haven't had the worst experience.
I started working with the company in 2000. I actually liked it. I worked second shift and though it was often a lot of overtime, it was pretty good. I got transferred around as work needed. When the company needed it, I cancelled planned time off and worked. I was still learning, so I probably wasn't the best worker there, but I probably was one of the more enthusiastic. Eventually, the market went south, the industry as a whole tanked, and I lost my job.
I came back three years later. Things didn't work out for the other plans I'd made in the meantime and I still had all those good memories from before. I worked in different areas than I did before and the job took a darker turn. During the next three years, I suffered broken bones, contusions, cuts requiring real medical attention, and finally a knee injury. It was the first injury that put me on their shit list - they gave me all the worst jobs they could give in order to get me to leave. It was the knee injury where they decided they would work to get rid of me.
Long story short, in order to increase production, they cut safety. I did what I was told and as a result of those production quotas, they moved the line before I got out of the way. Blah blah blah. First, they punished me for staying home when my knee swelled up double its usual size. I eventually had surgery, which caused me to miss work. I discovered that they pressured the doctor to return me to work since they would give me light duty. That duty lasted less than four hours before they decided to put me back on the line. When I protested, both the safety officer and the company nurse "cleared" me to work.
Because of the limited recovery time and the nature of the injury itself, I was declared permanently partially disabled. They kept me working because they had to, though they were annoyed they had to pay for the injury. Then my Mom died, and despite having a bereavement policy, I was punished and ultimately fired for staying home on the day my Mom died. Yup. I don't regret being there for her and would do it again if I had to, but it's pretty pathetic they had to resort to that.
So, my advice to you, if you're going to work at Stoughton Trailers, do it for the least amount of time possible. The job is hard, and their policies make it harder on the bodies of their workers. They will work insane hours with forced overtime and then a week later, they will lay everyone off because they couldn't schedule work properly. If by some chance, your body gives out, they will drop you, regardless of the sacrifices you made for the company.
Now, I want to be honest, I'm not on a crusade against this company. I don't care about them one way or the other, not anymore. However, when they use the news media to broadcast their hiring and then use the same media resources to squelch legitimate discussion about their work practices, I tend to get concerned. The economy is bad, and many people who work there will go there because they've had little choice. My advice then is to not trust them. No matter what. You will be a tool, to be discarded as a tool when necessary.
- Jim
I came back three years later. Things didn't work out for the other plans I'd made in the meantime and I still had all those good memories from before. I worked in different areas than I did before and the job took a darker turn. During the next three years, I suffered broken bones, contusions, cuts requiring real medical attention, and finally a knee injury. It was the first injury that put me on their shit list - they gave me all the worst jobs they could give in order to get me to leave. It was the knee injury where they decided they would work to get rid of me.
Long story short, in order to increase production, they cut safety. I did what I was told and as a result of those production quotas, they moved the line before I got out of the way. Blah blah blah. First, they punished me for staying home when my knee swelled up double its usual size. I eventually had surgery, which caused me to miss work. I discovered that they pressured the doctor to return me to work since they would give me light duty. That duty lasted less than four hours before they decided to put me back on the line. When I protested, both the safety officer and the company nurse "cleared" me to work.
Because of the limited recovery time and the nature of the injury itself, I was declared permanently partially disabled. They kept me working because they had to, though they were annoyed they had to pay for the injury. Then my Mom died, and despite having a bereavement policy, I was punished and ultimately fired for staying home on the day my Mom died. Yup. I don't regret being there for her and would do it again if I had to, but it's pretty pathetic they had to resort to that.
So, my advice to you, if you're going to work at Stoughton Trailers, do it for the least amount of time possible. The job is hard, and their policies make it harder on the bodies of their workers. They will work insane hours with forced overtime and then a week later, they will lay everyone off because they couldn't schedule work properly. If by some chance, your body gives out, they will drop you, regardless of the sacrifices you made for the company.
Now, I want to be honest, I'm not on a crusade against this company. I don't care about them one way or the other, not anymore. However, when they use the news media to broadcast their hiring and then use the same media resources to squelch legitimate discussion about their work practices, I tend to get concerned. The economy is bad, and many people who work there will go there because they've had little choice. My advice then is to not trust them. No matter what. You will be a tool, to be discarded as a tool when necessary.
- Jim
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I have become buried in projects. It happens from time to time and it stems from the logical argument that since I don't really have many demands of my time, I can afford to spend that spare time to do something meaningful in some way, shape, or form. "Meaning" is variable here. Even video games have meaning because they're defined in some way as being different than just wasting time. Finishing the StarCraft missions has a defined end-goal as opposed to say, playing a few games of Galaga, which doesn't have a set end at all. That's not to say that Galaga is wrong in some way, but that it holds less meaning.
That's not how all of my justifications work, but it's a guide to some of them. Some of my present projects are quite open ended, but their value lies in the nature of the intended result. For example, I've been a news hound for many years, but reading everything in the whole world today would still mean that I'd have to read the news tomorrow because there's something new happening all the time. Of course, there's no way to read everything - but I try to be balanced and knowledgeable. Hence, the pile of unread magazines as a project.
On a similar vein, elections are coming up. I have the time to be an informed voter, so I need to make sure my vote isn't wasted on the best sounding name. That's a project right there. I've been watching the Republican presidential primary debates, I've been reading online materials, and I've been watching local city council meetings and I've recorded a school board meeting. It's a lot of work to stay informed.
I'm trying to learn to program - really program, though the idea hasn't gotten much past the hopeful stages. I've gotten some books and other materials and am slowly slogging my way through them.
I've always been interested in History and Science, and those have clogged up my DVR for some time. I also try to stay current on movies, so those also fill my DVR. There's no way to watch them all, but I certainly try. I mean, I have all this time, right? There are shows I want to watch or catch up on, series I want to get into, and books I want to read as well. In short, in trying to bring meaning to a life that is really meaningless, I've filled all the nooks and crannies and spare spaces. It keeps me busy, but I'm not sure I'm accomplishing what I really set out to do.
Finally, last but not least in mind, I want to write. I've written enough random pages, I want to tell stories. Even if no one else reads them, and I'm realistic about my chances of that, I need to write these stories - for myself if no one else. Still, writing a book is more complicated than I've ever considered. I've fallen into the classic trap of wanting the books to be perfect. It annoys me to no end to read science fiction that is dated, or read fantasy novels that aren't historically accurate, even if set in other times and worlds. And yet, here I am. I won't say that all the research I do is pointless, because I think it adds realism and depth to the stories I tell, but such research is never-ending. Theoretically, I could live the rest of my life learning and never write anything, all in the name of being a perfectionist or completist.
I'm not complaining... well, not really anyway. But I have concluded that I need to at least spend some time catching up. I have a list of goals for this year and I need to work on those as best I can. To that end, I've designated my time until the end of February to get certain things done or caught up. It's not inclusive of everything I work on and it certainly isn't more than a fraction of the things I want to accomplish all year, but I think it will make the other things easier.
I don't think I'll change any of the countdown clocks on the side of the blog. I still need to update them for the new year. But, I figured I'd post and tell everyone I'm up to. At the moment, it's trying to clear my DVR and trying to catch up on all the magazines that I'm behind on. That's not the entire list, but it's the biggest chunk, I think.
- Jim
That's not how all of my justifications work, but it's a guide to some of them. Some of my present projects are quite open ended, but their value lies in the nature of the intended result. For example, I've been a news hound for many years, but reading everything in the whole world today would still mean that I'd have to read the news tomorrow because there's something new happening all the time. Of course, there's no way to read everything - but I try to be balanced and knowledgeable. Hence, the pile of unread magazines as a project.
On a similar vein, elections are coming up. I have the time to be an informed voter, so I need to make sure my vote isn't wasted on the best sounding name. That's a project right there. I've been watching the Republican presidential primary debates, I've been reading online materials, and I've been watching local city council meetings and I've recorded a school board meeting. It's a lot of work to stay informed.
I'm trying to learn to program - really program, though the idea hasn't gotten much past the hopeful stages. I've gotten some books and other materials and am slowly slogging my way through them.
I've always been interested in History and Science, and those have clogged up my DVR for some time. I also try to stay current on movies, so those also fill my DVR. There's no way to watch them all, but I certainly try. I mean, I have all this time, right? There are shows I want to watch or catch up on, series I want to get into, and books I want to read as well. In short, in trying to bring meaning to a life that is really meaningless, I've filled all the nooks and crannies and spare spaces. It keeps me busy, but I'm not sure I'm accomplishing what I really set out to do.
Finally, last but not least in mind, I want to write. I've written enough random pages, I want to tell stories. Even if no one else reads them, and I'm realistic about my chances of that, I need to write these stories - for myself if no one else. Still, writing a book is more complicated than I've ever considered. I've fallen into the classic trap of wanting the books to be perfect. It annoys me to no end to read science fiction that is dated, or read fantasy novels that aren't historically accurate, even if set in other times and worlds. And yet, here I am. I won't say that all the research I do is pointless, because I think it adds realism and depth to the stories I tell, but such research is never-ending. Theoretically, I could live the rest of my life learning and never write anything, all in the name of being a perfectionist or completist.
I'm not complaining... well, not really anyway. But I have concluded that I need to at least spend some time catching up. I have a list of goals for this year and I need to work on those as best I can. To that end, I've designated my time until the end of February to get certain things done or caught up. It's not inclusive of everything I work on and it certainly isn't more than a fraction of the things I want to accomplish all year, but I think it will make the other things easier.
I don't think I'll change any of the countdown clocks on the side of the blog. I still need to update them for the new year. But, I figured I'd post and tell everyone I'm up to. At the moment, it's trying to clear my DVR and trying to catch up on all the magazines that I'm behind on. That's not the entire list, but it's the biggest chunk, I think.
- Jim
Sunday, January 22, 2012
This will be a short post, sorry. There have been no further major events with my Sister and things seem to be heading back to a degree of normality. Less obviously, there is some reason for concern, but there are no concrete diagnoses. So, the good news is that nothing further has happened, but the bad news is that we don't really understand why it happened in the first place. It may be a blessing however, if whatever they found turns out to be unconnected yet a concern nonetheless. However, it is too early to say one way or another.
Life for the rest of us is also going back to normal as well - somewhat. Again, we are watchful, and she doesn't spend much time alone. She can't drive, which means we have to adjust there as well. Apparently there is a law that once you have a seizure like this, you have to go 90 days without another one before they will let you drive again. Ouch.
Anyway, here's hoping it's all over,
- Jim
Life for the rest of us is also going back to normal as well - somewhat. Again, we are watchful, and she doesn't spend much time alone. She can't drive, which means we have to adjust there as well. Apparently there is a law that once you have a seizure like this, you have to go 90 days without another one before they will let you drive again. Ouch.
Anyway, here's hoping it's all over,
- Jim
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I haven't written in a few days, mostly because there is nearly nothing to write. Honestly, I haven't done anything for the last several days. It's not that things don't need doing, it's that things just don't seem as important compared to recent events. There's been no progress there either - while it's good there have been no further events, there also has been no progress in determining causes or effects. Things are what they are, and we walk on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I try, really I do. I've watched a couple shows, I've read a few pages, I've written a couple notes. My concentration is shattered by any noise, phone call, door slam, or random thought. There's not much that can make someone forget that, I suppose.
Yeah, I'm obsessing. Well, the wait may be over though - the doctor appointment is today. Hopefully they've discovered something that can be fixed - Not that medicine has ever fixed anything ever, of course.
- Jim
I try, really I do. I've watched a couple shows, I've read a few pages, I've written a couple notes. My concentration is shattered by any noise, phone call, door slam, or random thought. There's not much that can make someone forget that, I suppose.
Yeah, I'm obsessing. Well, the wait may be over though - the doctor appointment is today. Hopefully they've discovered something that can be fixed - Not that medicine has ever fixed anything ever, of course.
- Jim
Monday, January 16, 2012
I don't even know where to start. Though I've had time to consider events, my thoughts haven't exactly been productive on the matter. Too many what-ifs remain and too many worst-case scenarios may have only been narrowly averted. I suppose one always tends to look at the possible worst in these situations. I can't imagine the thought.
It should come as no surprise that I have had trouble sleeping lately. Between my knee, this weird reaction that never goes away, and the inevitable conflict between my night-owl ways and my desire to stay in contact with the regular daylight-shift world, my sleep patterns are irregular to say the least. Compounding this issue is the fact that I really don't need a schedule. I can come and go (or not) as I please. I've no where to be and no when to be there by.
So, I laid down to try and sleep a bit on Saturday afternoon. I had a headache, possibly from the changing weather, although I can get headaches from lack of sleep as well. I couldn't sleep so I just lay in bed trying to pretend to when my older Sister screamed. She screamed again, "Call 9-1-1!" My Dad yelled back that the phone downstairs wasn't working. I think in his panic, he didn't press some buttons or something. It didn't matter. I was out of bed and running downstairs with my phone. My youngest Sister was slumped in her chair, head back and gurgling.
I did not acquit myself well here. I was tired, not really coherent, panicking, under the influence of Tylenol PM, and shaky as all hell. "Weneedanambulancetocometomyhouse.MySisterishavingsomesortofseizureorsomething!" Those poor 9-1-1 operators.
It took a while to get my Sister out. She came to in a few minutes, but she wasn't herself. It was like she was a six-year old girl again. She wanted people to leave her alone. She fought. She screamed. The paramedics thought she was on drugs.
They screamed to the hospital as my Sister really started to come back, though the process would take several hours. Once there, they did tests as my Dad and older Sister waited by her side while I informed family members and shared what little information we had. She was the one in trouble, but I've never felt so helpless.
Now the waiting begins. When they sent her home from the hospital that night, they didn't know what was wrong. They gave her no medicine. She had no prescriptions. The scans were inconclusive, but they found a spot during an MRI on her brain. They had no neurologist on hand to analyze it. What does the spot mean? Well, it could mean anything - or nothing. It might cause a stroke, it might have been caused by a small one. It could be cancer or worse. Yeah, worse. Or not.
When she was little, she used to be scared of the dark. She'd always want to sleep in my bed, but being a brother, that was just too weird for me. So, she'd wait until I was asleep and then sleep at the foot of my bed where I often, mostly accidentally, kicked her. She figured it was still safer than being in her bed alone. Yeah, she was an annoying little Sister, but it did kinda feel good that she looked up to me like that. And now, there's nothing I can do to help.
So, that's what happened. I haven't done much in the last two days except relive that. I'm sure she has too.
- Jim
It should come as no surprise that I have had trouble sleeping lately. Between my knee, this weird reaction that never goes away, and the inevitable conflict between my night-owl ways and my desire to stay in contact with the regular daylight-shift world, my sleep patterns are irregular to say the least. Compounding this issue is the fact that I really don't need a schedule. I can come and go (or not) as I please. I've no where to be and no when to be there by.
So, I laid down to try and sleep a bit on Saturday afternoon. I had a headache, possibly from the changing weather, although I can get headaches from lack of sleep as well. I couldn't sleep so I just lay in bed trying to pretend to when my older Sister screamed. She screamed again, "Call 9-1-1!" My Dad yelled back that the phone downstairs wasn't working. I think in his panic, he didn't press some buttons or something. It didn't matter. I was out of bed and running downstairs with my phone. My youngest Sister was slumped in her chair, head back and gurgling.
I did not acquit myself well here. I was tired, not really coherent, panicking, under the influence of Tylenol PM, and shaky as all hell. "Weneedanambulancetocometomyhouse.MySisterishavingsomesortofseizureorsomething!" Those poor 9-1-1 operators.
It took a while to get my Sister out. She came to in a few minutes, but she wasn't herself. It was like she was a six-year old girl again. She wanted people to leave her alone. She fought. She screamed. The paramedics thought she was on drugs.
They screamed to the hospital as my Sister really started to come back, though the process would take several hours. Once there, they did tests as my Dad and older Sister waited by her side while I informed family members and shared what little information we had. She was the one in trouble, but I've never felt so helpless.
Now the waiting begins. When they sent her home from the hospital that night, they didn't know what was wrong. They gave her no medicine. She had no prescriptions. The scans were inconclusive, but they found a spot during an MRI on her brain. They had no neurologist on hand to analyze it. What does the spot mean? Well, it could mean anything - or nothing. It might cause a stroke, it might have been caused by a small one. It could be cancer or worse. Yeah, worse. Or not.
When she was little, she used to be scared of the dark. She'd always want to sleep in my bed, but being a brother, that was just too weird for me. So, she'd wait until I was asleep and then sleep at the foot of my bed where I often, mostly accidentally, kicked her. She figured it was still safer than being in her bed alone. Yeah, she was an annoying little Sister, but it did kinda feel good that she looked up to me like that. And now, there's nothing I can do to help.
So, that's what happened. I haven't done much in the last two days except relive that. I'm sure she has too.
- Jim
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My youngest Sister was taken to the ER on Saturday by ambulance. Though she was allowed to go home that night, they may have found something serious. She has to go see a specialist in a few days. Things got very weird for a while there.
But, for the moment she is fine and is resting relatively comfortably.
- Jim
But, for the moment she is fine and is resting relatively comfortably.
- Jim
Friday, January 13, 2012
Amazon.com shipping delays
When I was growing up, I had a group of friends. (Amazing, isn't it?) Anyway, being high school students and college students, we usually didn't have a lot of money. During the holidays, we would make promises to each other not to buy each other gifts, or some years when we were feeling particularly saucy, would put spending limits on such gifts - $10.00 or so.
There was always one person that made the promise and bought everyone presents. We would get mad, they would protest that we didn't have to buy THEM presents, but there was an obligation. We would have to spend the money.
Well, I'm not friends with any of those people anymore. Time and lives have diverged and blah blah blah. I figured I was over that nonsense. Though I have a little more money now, I pay bills and help out among family. So, we make the same deal with family members. And again, despite all the promises, there is one person that goes out and buys gifts anyway. "You don't have to buy ME anything!" Yeah right.
So there I am, on December 23rd or whatever, shopping on Amazon.com for a present that I know will not get here in time. I feel somewhat guilty about it, but if they'd followed the rules, it wouldn't have happened. But, being Amazon.com, I figured they'd ship it sooner or later, even if I was cheap and chose the Super-Saver shipping. Ah me and my silly beliefs!
It got here yesterday. But that's not all. Yup, two weeks before they even shipped it out, much less delivery time. I figured what the heck, it's the holidays, they're busy and swamped. But... I made another order on January 8th, because I needed some computer supplies. Again, I chose Super-Saver shipping, and again... they just send me a note today saying they were shipping it. Note - it hasn't left their warehouse, they just arranged for it to be shipped. Add another day or so for the post office to pick it up. That's 5 days before it left their warehouse.
So the question is, are they slowing down because they're that much busier now, or are they slowing down because they want me to convert to their secret tax in the program Amazon Prime for $79 a year? I've checked the news and can't find anything about it, but it does seem somewhat suspicious. Oh yeah, and that's not the complete order - they're still waiting for part of it.
I dunno.
- Jim
There was always one person that made the promise and bought everyone presents. We would get mad, they would protest that we didn't have to buy THEM presents, but there was an obligation. We would have to spend the money.
Well, I'm not friends with any of those people anymore. Time and lives have diverged and blah blah blah. I figured I was over that nonsense. Though I have a little more money now, I pay bills and help out among family. So, we make the same deal with family members. And again, despite all the promises, there is one person that goes out and buys gifts anyway. "You don't have to buy ME anything!" Yeah right.
So there I am, on December 23rd or whatever, shopping on Amazon.com for a present that I know will not get here in time. I feel somewhat guilty about it, but if they'd followed the rules, it wouldn't have happened. But, being Amazon.com, I figured they'd ship it sooner or later, even if I was cheap and chose the Super-Saver shipping. Ah me and my silly beliefs!
It got here yesterday. But that's not all. Yup, two weeks before they even shipped it out, much less delivery time. I figured what the heck, it's the holidays, they're busy and swamped. But... I made another order on January 8th, because I needed some computer supplies. Again, I chose Super-Saver shipping, and again... they just send me a note today saying they were shipping it. Note - it hasn't left their warehouse, they just arranged for it to be shipped. Add another day or so for the post office to pick it up. That's 5 days before it left their warehouse.
So the question is, are they slowing down because they're that much busier now, or are they slowing down because they want me to convert to their secret tax in the program Amazon Prime for $79 a year? I've checked the news and can't find anything about it, but it does seem somewhat suspicious. Oh yeah, and that's not the complete order - they're still waiting for part of it.
I dunno.
- Jim
Thursday, January 12, 2012
So what did the last post mean? Well, over the past couple months, I've turned down more than one opportunity in more than one area. On the surface, these opportunities might have been pretty good deals. Unfortunately, the reality is that I would not have been able to make the best of any of them and worst is something that I can all too easily contemplate. The problem is that in each of these opportunities, there would be a cost to failure and those costs would not have been borne entirely by me.
So, it seems clear that I need to move on. Well, yeah. And insane people need to be normal and homeless people need to get homes. It's easier said than done. I've noticed that people with the simplest solutions for other people's problems are often the ones with the most messed up lives themselves. "Well, it's different for me, Jim.", is something I've heard far too many times. If your advice is so easy for me to follow, then perhaps you should prove it by following it yourself.
But this isn't an attack on others either. In my own glacially slow way, I am moving through these issues. It's just a more complicated and painful process than I could have ever imagined. I admit that I try to ignore it from time to time, but it's always there, below the surface, always bubbling up.
- Jim
So, it seems clear that I need to move on. Well, yeah. And insane people need to be normal and homeless people need to get homes. It's easier said than done. I've noticed that people with the simplest solutions for other people's problems are often the ones with the most messed up lives themselves. "Well, it's different for me, Jim.", is something I've heard far too many times. If your advice is so easy for me to follow, then perhaps you should prove it by following it yourself.
But this isn't an attack on others either. In my own glacially slow way, I am moving through these issues. It's just a more complicated and painful process than I could have ever imagined. I admit that I try to ignore it from time to time, but it's always there, below the surface, always bubbling up.
- Jim
How do I end up making personal posts like this in public? I don't know. I would guess it stems from a desire to explain myself and the reasons for my actions. I am aware of many of my faults. Some, I have taken steps to alleviate or fix entirely. Some are second nature to me and any attempt to ameliorate their effects would accomplish no more than to fool myself and others for a short while.
The truth of the matter is that my life did change in 2006. More than I realized, more than I know now. Those changes were sudden, profound, and sometimes mysterious - especially to me. Not all of their effects manifested themselves at once, and not all of the beliefs that I could rise above these matters have proved realistic or even possible. As I wrote to someone a couple days ago, I am a broken person.
That sounds more dramatic than the reality is, but the effect is still the same. 2006, followed by 2007, was a tremendous year. In 2005, I was baptized Lutheran in preparation for getting married to someone I loved. By 2006, that dream was over and I was betrayed. Blah blah blah. My Brother died. I injured my knee - permanently. I lost my best friend. I wandered and muddled through the year in such a haze that the full effects of the events that happened were lost to me.
2007 was hardly better. I continued to recover from my knee injury and the resulting surgery which may have been even worse for it. My Mom died. I lost my job. My family fell apart and I went with it. 2007 was a dark time indeed and we're still paying the price for those days. Again, I muddled through much of it, this time with pain medicine. No, the need was real, but the effect was more far-reaching than just my knee. In addition to the normal guilt I feel about things, I also regret that I didn't feel more than I did. I did feel more than I knew, clouded by that medicine, but I lacked the ability to analyze and eventually deal with it.
Since then, I've wandered in my thoughts. I am unable to move on. I am unable to continue. I am unable to go back and fix what I've done or didn't do. Indeed, if somehow the impossible happened and I could go back in time and change those events, I'm not even sure many of the things I did were wrong. They're just hard to live with.
This isn't really news. To the long-time readers of this blog, all of this information was readily available until I took it down. However dimly it may be though, I am aware of how who I've become affects some others and how it would affect even more still if circumstances were different. As I said, I may not be able to rise above my faults, I am aware that I have them. To impose them on others, however well-intentioned, would be to commit an even more grievous sin.
To some extent, I recognize that this post will fail. A rejection, however it may be worded and however well it may be intended, is still a rejection. Rejections hurt. I wish I could avoid that, but I must merely choose the lesser of two evils. I've tried to avoid reality at other times in my past, and the blow up that inevitably follows is even worse.
I'm sorry,
- Jim
The truth of the matter is that my life did change in 2006. More than I realized, more than I know now. Those changes were sudden, profound, and sometimes mysterious - especially to me. Not all of their effects manifested themselves at once, and not all of the beliefs that I could rise above these matters have proved realistic or even possible. As I wrote to someone a couple days ago, I am a broken person.
That sounds more dramatic than the reality is, but the effect is still the same. 2006, followed by 2007, was a tremendous year. In 2005, I was baptized Lutheran in preparation for getting married to someone I loved. By 2006, that dream was over and I was betrayed. Blah blah blah. My Brother died. I injured my knee - permanently. I lost my best friend. I wandered and muddled through the year in such a haze that the full effects of the events that happened were lost to me.
2007 was hardly better. I continued to recover from my knee injury and the resulting surgery which may have been even worse for it. My Mom died. I lost my job. My family fell apart and I went with it. 2007 was a dark time indeed and we're still paying the price for those days. Again, I muddled through much of it, this time with pain medicine. No, the need was real, but the effect was more far-reaching than just my knee. In addition to the normal guilt I feel about things, I also regret that I didn't feel more than I did. I did feel more than I knew, clouded by that medicine, but I lacked the ability to analyze and eventually deal with it.
Since then, I've wandered in my thoughts. I am unable to move on. I am unable to continue. I am unable to go back and fix what I've done or didn't do. Indeed, if somehow the impossible happened and I could go back in time and change those events, I'm not even sure many of the things I did were wrong. They're just hard to live with.
This isn't really news. To the long-time readers of this blog, all of this information was readily available until I took it down. However dimly it may be though, I am aware of how who I've become affects some others and how it would affect even more still if circumstances were different. As I said, I may not be able to rise above my faults, I am aware that I have them. To impose them on others, however well-intentioned, would be to commit an even more grievous sin.
To some extent, I recognize that this post will fail. A rejection, however it may be worded and however well it may be intended, is still a rejection. Rejections hurt. I wish I could avoid that, but I must merely choose the lesser of two evils. I've tried to avoid reality at other times in my past, and the blow up that inevitably follows is even worse.
I'm sorry,
- Jim
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