How do I end up making personal posts like this in public? I don't know. I would guess it stems from a desire to explain myself and the reasons for my actions. I am aware of many of my faults. Some, I have taken steps to alleviate or fix entirely. Some are second nature to me and any attempt to ameliorate their effects would accomplish no more than to fool myself and others for a short while.
The truth of the matter is that my life did change in 2006. More than I realized, more than I know now. Those changes were sudden, profound, and sometimes mysterious - especially to me. Not all of their effects manifested themselves at once, and not all of the beliefs that I could rise above these matters have proved realistic or even possible. As I wrote to someone a couple days ago, I am a broken person.
That sounds more dramatic than the reality is, but the effect is still the same. 2006, followed by 2007, was a tremendous year. In 2005, I was baptized Lutheran in preparation for getting married to someone I loved. By 2006, that dream was over and I was betrayed. Blah blah blah. My Brother died. I injured my knee - permanently. I lost my best friend. I wandered and muddled through the year in such a haze that the full effects of the events that happened were lost to me.
2007 was hardly better. I continued to recover from my knee injury and the resulting surgery which may have been even worse for it. My Mom died. I lost my job. My family fell apart and I went with it. 2007 was a dark time indeed and we're still paying the price for those days. Again, I muddled through much of it, this time with pain medicine. No, the need was real, but the effect was more far-reaching than just my knee. In addition to the normal guilt I feel about things, I also regret that I didn't feel more than I did. I did feel more than I knew, clouded by that medicine, but I lacked the ability to analyze and eventually deal with it.
Since then, I've wandered in my thoughts. I am unable to move on. I am unable to continue. I am unable to go back and fix what I've done or didn't do. Indeed, if somehow the impossible happened and I could go back in time and change those events, I'm not even sure many of the things I did were wrong. They're just hard to live with.
This isn't really news. To the long-time readers of this blog, all of this information was readily available until I took it down. However dimly it may be though, I am aware of how who I've become affects some others and how it would affect even more still if circumstances were different. As I said, I may not be able to rise above my faults, I am aware that I have them. To impose them on others, however well-intentioned, would be to commit an even more grievous sin.
To some extent, I recognize that this post will fail. A rejection, however it may be worded and however well it may be intended, is still a rejection. Rejections hurt. I wish I could avoid that, but I must merely choose the lesser of two evils. I've tried to avoid reality at other times in my past, and the blow up that inevitably follows is even worse.