Monday, December 26, 2011

I have to be honest, I haven't been the hard worker I'd like to be lately.  To tell you the truth, I'm still suffering from that reaction I had a while ago.  How long ago?  Some indications are that this thing started far earlier than I realized, making a real diagnosis difficult.  The trouble is that my body is largely taken for granted until it stops working or starts hurting.  I'm working on tracking the source of this, but I'm afraid I may be no closer to determining the cause or finding a cure than I was a few days ago.  I tried a treatment then, it's still being evaluated.  We'll see.

The end of the year is approaching and I have to say that though I wasted more time than I would have liked, and spent less time on the things I had planned, this year may have been my most productive yet.  Again, the outside world is often ignored by me.  Things outside my immediate interest remain outside my interests.  I acknowledge the loss; it's one of the reasons I spend the time to read my news magazines cover to cover.  I have no interest in the art world, for example, but it helps to broaden my perspective a bit.  I am imperfect, but I do my best to improve what I can.

Anyway, reality sets in every now and then and it's clear that I'm not going to finish everything or anything I wanted to by the end of the year.  That's normal.  There aren't any small projects for me.  I also can make any project much bigger than it needs to be by my very nature of being picky, though others call it OCD.  Maybe it is.  I like what I like.  The computer has to be just so, my work area needs to be just so, drawing area needs to be just so, reading area needs to be just so, blah blah blah ad nauseum.

The rest of the year will be spent on _sundry_.  All the little odds and ends of this or that project are the focus.  Too many piddly things are put on the back burner because they're waiting for this or that bit of attention.  I also plan on watching DVDs, movies, television series, magazines, and other things.  There will be a daily list, I'm sure, but I'm not working on anything larger than day to day stuff.

Next year's resolutions have been pared down.  Oh, they're still probably unattainable - I am who I am, but I will try harder to do my best all the time.  I'm still working on that list, but it will involve unread books, periodicals, movies, as well as branching into other areas of fitness and financial responsibility.  I have not been completely remiss, but I have been too remiss nonetheless in these areas.  Despite my best efforts, it appears that I may live for a while yet, and I need to prepare for that eventuality.  While nothing I do is really inherently dangerous, I suppose there's always that chance that one or more items on the list might kill me.  If it must be so, then it will be so.  I don't think I'd make a very good old man anyway.

No.  That's not anything more than it says right there.  I'm not secretly trying to kill myself.  I'm not publicly trying to kill myself.  The person who thinks they're solving a problem by getting me help is wasting their time.  They will be wasting my time and whatever professional's time that happens to be spent as well.  Having said that, there are many ways of killing yourself I suppose, and apathy is my means.  Or isn't.  I'm not done mourning, I'm not unbroken, but I need to finish living this life before this life is finished living.  I'm not a fan of wasting time and this has been a big waste of time in that area.

So, that's some of what I've been working on and what I plan to be working on in the near future.  Yes, I'm still working on writing.  Yes, I hope to have a book(s) done soon.  Done, of course, is a relative term - I will definitely need to spend some time rewriting.  Still, the story is closer than it's ever been before, and I'm happy about that.  I just need to finish it.

I may post before then, but if not, I wish everyone a Happy New Year.  Best of luck in 2012.

- Jim